8) Walk up the street to the honky tonks
Now that you’re feeling completely like a dude from Frasier, walk up the street to the honky tonks. This is one of those things in life you reluctantly must do, like gym class and grocery shopping. Begin at Tootsie’s Orchid Lounge. It’s the most famous (where Willie Nelson got his start) and the most likely for you to get in a fight—mine happened with a 110-pound peroxide blonde after she bum-stumbled into me and blamed her lack of motor skills on me rather than the seven PBR tall boys that she just slammed.
The downstairs band often plays more traditional country tunes; the upstairs band is what the Hold Steady wishes they were but aren’t. Be prepared to stumble into a lot of Southern jock-bros, dudes wearing full camo, and “off-duty” working strippers.